i got a boogie in my nose that just won't leave

i was looking at the sunset today and i thought it was so beautiful. tomorrow is a new day and it makes me happy to say that tuesday will be a good day.
this weekend i spent it with brandon, we went to his friends house to paint and remodel. they purchased a fixer upper in long beach and its a tiny little house with a lot of potential.
my grams loves to give advice on everything... she feels that age has given her the right to be so honest and mean.
last night she gave me advice on relationships... well my grams in no saint. having to be somewhat of an old lady that still knows how to party made me laugh by the things she was saying.
my relationship with my cousin liz is improving i love that kid and for the first time i was willing to accept our chaotic yet disturbing relationship for what it was but i cant wait for what it will become
.
my relationship with my friends cass and jill is becoming a bit stale and hard to maintain only because they cant figure out why my mind has been so absent. honestly i'm tired of shallow conversations that make me feel so dumb after they are done.

im trying to focus on my family and plans for my future and work. its a bit disturbing to realize that the next job change may be my career for a while until i finish school.
um other than that i couldn't be happier... i catch myself daydreaming more often and singing in the shower. i miss him when he's not around- i'm not ready to be fully vulnerable with my feelings. although i feel i may be falling for this sweetheart of a guy i have to keep being true to myself.
for my dear and lovely friends who might read this... even though your so far away i think of you ladies always. kirsten, lauren, beno, grace hope you ladies are doing fab! i miss you all so much and cant wait to see you ladies again this christmas!!! love you ladies so much.

his name is brandon... blue eyes, big broad shoulders, tall, funny, smart, interesting and very very understanding and wonderful.
he likes me for who i am and for the first time i don't have to pretend... he makes me happy.
he's a great listener and a complete romantic.
this past saturday he took me on a picnic on the beach. packed all the goodies in a basket and to my surprise they were all my faves... down to the chips, drink and cheesecake. he is everything i could have asked in a guy...
im
just a bit scared thats all...
how can someone fit every criteria you have envisioned- for the one meant for you?
how long will this last, how long will my heart and mind be in the clouds?... because we all know that love fades. love is blasphemous and agonizing to mention or speak up especially when ones heart has been broken and disappointed.

I refuse! i refuse to give up i'm to high up in the clouds to give up and think this is just like one of the other guys that have been in my life.
so with that said, i couldn't be happier. i couldn't look more forward to life more than i do at this moment. for the first time in my life i have met some one who feels and looks at me the same exact way as i look at him.
wish me luck because i think this adventure will be the most beautiful one!

unexpectedly i met someone that is pretty amazing. yeah we went on our first date and he was such a sweetheart... oh how life is so unpredictable. i met his friends they are by far the sweetest. so friend approval is a plus! we have so much more to explore... so! wow i still cant believe what has happened.
i can spend hours on end speaking to him on the phone and he's so mature about so many things... he is funny, interesting, beautiful and an artist at heart. he makes me feel like i've never felt before about myself or about anyone else.
i just don't know why now. the timing is off... i'm leaving to italy in two months and i cant break it to him that i'm half way saved up for my ticket.
so what to do...
pass on love that may potentially be once in a life time. (i cant explain just how well we connect. i spoke on the phone with him for 3 hours today and we just hung out yesterday night)
or do i keep love and pass on adventure. or hold off the trip til later.
i have a feeling that in my heart- this may be meant to be. but in my head its all wrong because for once i would like to follow through with what i expect and want out of my life which i've decided will be an epic tale to tell.
but at the same time i want a love to share my life with because alone life is so lonely and their is nothing epic about that.

today is the day of truth... i am not a school person and even though i have technically been in community college for two years and passed all my classes with a big smile.... i hate school. i know its the wrong choice for me to stop going. but right now i just don't want to deal with it. i just want to live. who cares about transferring.
i do care. but.
not enough to keep trying at least not right now.
im taking a semester off of school.
im moving to the heart of L.A or more like West Hollywood with some friends in october from photo school. im going job hunting this whole next week.
good news i passed my bartending exam. so! bartending job here i come. so this next year will be a good one but i think for the sake of my family - "school will still be in session". my father will be really sad but i'm not technically dropping out. im just taking a small break to get my mind clear.
these next couple of months will be interesting ones.

i feel defeated today. i cant really understand why, i started writing ... a book. well actually a short story. i have no experience or knowledge on how to write a captivating story but i'm trying. i miss being in love and i just recently found some old letters that were written. i thought i ripped then all up in my spurt of anger a long ass time ago. i have come across him once since the break up and even though it feels like so long ago i don't really miss him. i miss being a part something greater than myself. god knows i have tried to find love in other things and many times... other men but i feel like it will never be the same again. i recently came across an old friend and saw a picture of him and his new girl together and he looks so happy. happier than when he was with me. so im happy to see him like that, hopefully one of us found something greater... and to that i think i won.
i won my life over again. having to have seen it through so many others eyes and memories that i now understand the saying to "love is blind" makes you do shit you would have never thought possible.
why the fuck do i care still...
school is starting soon and thats definitely when i'm gonna say goodbye to my social life and bring on the books. applying to MSU is gonna be a tough one. taking about 18 units this semester...
beno that trip to peru sounds oh so very mouth watering... so i will let you know mosdef in a couple weeks. i want to go out to lauren's graduation later this year. let me know if your in? i know your graduate to so .... never mind. or we shall figure something out

grams birfday= complete insanity

i hope i live to the age no more than 50 because people are still nice at 50.
my grams just turned 76 and she wont shut up about everyone around her is a complete failure.
well thats my sunday. just the only part is that its funny to see her react when i put on my headphones to shut her out of my hearing. her eyes get all buggie. so funny.
i need to get ready to go runnin'.
wootie woo.

last night was really fun. went ice skating with the luscious ladies. it was hilarious seeing so many bros on ice skates. grace had a funny point when she mentioned it. beno looked so graceful on ice skates it was like seeing a whole different side of her...
i woke up this morning in the worst of moods. i had a dream last night that i was standing in the middle of this really busy street and there were cars and people on each side going somewhere except for me. everything just zoomed right past me and i felt alone and really cold for some reason. then the dream went on to something different.. i dreamt that i was going pee and thats when i woke up in panic. luckily nothing bad happened:(...thats pretty funny. um that brings up a lot of insecurities i have had. not the whole peeing thing just the zooming thing.

i had this crazy conversation with my grams, i realized that my family never seems to finish anything. we just settle.... settle and wait until something comes our way.
crazy plan (but a safe one)
i need to get as far away from here and start my own path to happiness. i'm a lot happier than last year but still find myself feeling weirdly depressed sometimes.
my father has been unemployed for the past 5 months and i'm tired of taking care of him. he finds every excuse to not find work but i'm fed up with baby-ing a 50 year old man. its lame.
so i'm moving to michigan in august going to school out there and then i will see just how my life turns out... away from here in a happier place where its okay to someone else than what i am.

goals next 9 months: (enough time to give birth to a baby)
1. sky diving
2. surfing lessons
3. practice on that guitar until i go pro. (just good enough to say "yeah, i play guitar")
4. plan out trip to europe (already have the ticket just have to be specific where to go)
5. apply to michigan state university in june for there spring semester
6. mail some of my shit to michigan in june
7. road trip to michigan in august to stay.

well its written on paper. have to go through with this one.
latez kids

i have come to the conclusion that even though my life is getting better each day ... the past is always there. i think that the way we were all brought up shapes us and makes us who we are. i mean im sure a bit of you is genetic but its mainly environmental. i love my parents... they are my love and life. but, i realize that i am not theirs. we have our differences: 1. being that i was not ejected from her vagina and 2. a biological son or daughter will always be valued 10 times more than an adopted one. i just thought i was past this. the child i was once came out last night with a fury! i miss my real mom wish she was there. wish she had both feet on the ground. i miss my father... the way he used to be. so dedicated and loving but i think now he is oober depressed which makes him so boring and sad to be around with. i love him though with all my heart. i was hurt last night that being that it was an early thanksgiving dinner. family ... what is it? and why do i need to put up with people that annoy the shit out of me.
other than that! i'm leaving to michigan in a week and i couldn't be happier.
also italy is a go. already bought my ticket to leave in march and come back in august.
ciao italia ... ciao my new italian boyfriend. (wink)

i woke up this morning thinking that maybe if i gave up trying so hard things might get better. i got into a car accident yesterday. this time it was totally my fault, thats what i get for being such an arrogant driver.
im leaving to italy in feb. everything is all set and hopefully when i get back i will have a sense of discipline and motive.
wish some kind of motivation pill existed because lately i havent had any.
okay cant stress out.
this is my life that i might have not chosen but was given to me.
i fucking hate it but have to deal with it some time.

im trying really hard to get right with myself financially and emotionally i think i'm passable. school is kicking my ass only because its a lot of busy work. nothing super challenging just very time consuming. loving the single life...only because that is one less time consuming thing in my life... what a loser. i know. well hope this semester goes good.

finals this week and i'm stressin'

i've lost 25 freckin' libras (lbs) sa-weet.

gotta get some studying done. see ya bitches.

oh happy days. woo yeah.

so i have thoght about my life lately and i think i don't mind the way it is. we all learn from mistakes and the truth is that my life as dull and deppressing as i may think it is i dont mind it. i am heart broken and dissapointed on so many levels but i think its time to let go. ii love my life ... i love the people around me that are incredibly amazing. i'm going to get through this.
woo hoo the luscious ladies from the east are coming home in 5 weeks.
beno! call me if you read this i would love to see you while your here for thanksgiving.

so i spoke with the deush this past week only to find out that hes been dating this girl he used to know a long ass time ago.
what an asshole.
i know i cant let this go but i think its pretty fucked up how you can end a 2 1/2 year relationship and then junp into another one so quickly.
i hope he's happy but then i also hope that karma comes around to him.... i dont think i could ever think about him the same again... as far as the "ex-boyfriend...becoming a friend" i am so not down with that shit.
i am sadly dissapointed in yet another person in my life and this pretty much sucks.
i bet she's an ugly birch ass hoe... i know the anger is boiling and i have become one of those ghetto latina's that i never thought i would become.
sadness=dissapointment leads to hating that asshole and finally getting over him. i know their is someone out there who is willing to love me just as i once loved him... which in all honesty was with all my heart.
seriously i dont know how long it will take me to get over him but i will one day get over him... to bad ... his loss not mine.

hey so im at work but im not working..in all actuallity im only here because i have to use the internet.
school is going good .... super good A's and a share of B's not bad. i know. im a smarty pants.
Work... what can i say its all gravy baby.
everything is settling in its place like a puzzle piece but i am content with my life and i have come to apreciate myself and those around me so much more.

i am over at my moms house in claremont and it feels strange spending my time here. my mom is in arizona and my dad is in michigan at the moment so i am house sitting as well as taking care of my sisters. its a nice feeling not having work on the weekends. i have two huge test this next week. i have to write two papers for my motion pic class and my psychology class. i am putting my hopes on something at the moment and i have to say i feel super anxious. i dont know what to do omg... i feel so nervous. i mean i have moved on from the whole weird break up thing...sometimes i wish he would just call. i spoke to him this past week and well i guess i put my hopes up that he would call. thats too bad that people just dont work out. i really dont want this break up to ruin me.. i have put my morals and caertain view points of the world aside... i dont want that. i was invited to alot of holloween parties this weekend but i feel super bumed and i seroislydont think im going to any of them. i got the new radiohead album... well like 3 weeks ago but i just want to say its amazing!
thats all for now.

i have to write a paper and study for a huge test today. im having difficulty managing my time properly and money as well. i have come to realize that yes i am a poor ass and that i dont need to be spending my money like i was shitting it out. i'm going to apply for a seasonal job ... i think barnes and noble. that would be sweet. there are some arguments at my work that make me feel unsure about the people i work with or my stay at the store. a lot of people are leaving and i think once i move out i will transfer to another store.
i'm taking these diet pills and i'm working out so hopefully in no time i will lose the weight i have been wanting to lose. so far so good. i think i have lost a good 15lbs. my pants are starting to fall off everytime i bent down... that's not cool at all because i think i have shown the crease many times now.
as far as boys go... well i have small crushes on some but then again wish things were different.
i'm applying to study abroad in Spain for next semester. i hope that can clear my mind a bit on what i really want to pursue as a career. my goal is to declare a major by the end of the semester.
tootles.

i have certain goals that as a person i have failed to do in life. you see, i always have looked up to organized and self confident people who for some reason seem to have their life together even if its really not. i have failed to beccome them, i mean that type of person.
i have made many excuses for myself for the way my life is right now. i often think it was my childhood that made me so irresponsible and weak minded. i mean i do understand that the environment one grows up in can affect the way one perceives life in general.
i want to change how irresponsible and careless i am about the world, about my finances and about work and school. i think part of my irresponsibility is lack of motivation and some self esteem issues because i think that those that love themselves enough are the ones who do care about life in general...
i want and i need to change.
school is going good, i have my first test on wednesday woo hoo. i have only read 3 out of 4 chaps that are needed to be read but then its only going to be monday so i think i should be fine. my goal is to get a B on it.
i am starting to notice other guys which is a sweet thing for me. i am finally getting over him... i mean not completely but its the first step to maybe one day i will forget his scent, his laugh, the way his eyes looked at me and maybe just maybe i will one day forget about the way he kissed me. oh thinking all of this makes me cry but i know i have to be strong because dwelling on this will only make me weak again and careless about what is really going on in my life.
goals for the month of october:
1. pay car payment, insurance and all credit cards on time!
2. do homework/ read a chapter a day from new book
3. get to work on time
4. work on getting focused with school and work
5. forget i ever fell in love...
6. work out 4 times a week
7. give a shit about my life.

they all sound good and yet somewhat sad and depressing.
cioa

i went to the san gabriel mission today. i have to write an essay about the mission and what the spaniards did to the indians...yada yada. i went to the movies with a couple of friends from work and it was supa' sweet because we saw "superbad". it was sa-weet. i think the spice girls are touring here in Los Angeles in December... you know what that means! yikidi yikidi i believe i am purhasing tickets. hey if anyone wants to go with and have a night full of guilty pleasures call me because i might purchase the tickets real soon. hehehe. i am so serious.
another embarrasing thing is that i think i need to go to el doctor because something might be wrong with the you know what. hehe. oh thats gross well i havent gotten my pyramid in 9 months so either somethings wrong or i should be giving birth anyday now ... but im no prego lady.
beauty and the geek is on. i think i have a crush on one of the geeks. yeah bring it ova' baybay.
homework time.

i went to work today and it actually went by really fast. i hate working with some people especially the really bossy know it all kind of people.
school went by really fast this last week. i have homework i have to do but i can't help to put it off. i feel like running away.
what am i going to do? i don't know if i can hold up any longer. i feel so alone.
i think its so sad how you can actually feel how much you miss someone ... i dont mean it in the physical sense but more like in a mental weird sense like : "i miss you even more than if you would be gone for a trip because i know you won't be part of my life anymore". i thought i was doing good and i was able to get over this matter really soon. i think it has only gotten worse. every hour, every minute that passes i miss him more and more. i wish i knew how it would be to kiss him again. i wish i knew how a life together with him would have been. i wish i knew so much but right now the only thing i do know and that is for sure is that i love him with every piece of my heart and that i miss him. another fact is that he doesnt want to be with me anymore and that he is somewhat over this relationship. i wish i didn't obsses so much on this. i think its because i have no friends that are close to me...physically. i find myself alone most of the time. something i used to take as a reward has now turned into my own prison.

i worked today and it was ridiculous how some people are just downright bitchy. i cant believe people sometimes... well yeah i can but i wish people werent such assholes at times. i like my job because of the atmosphere and the people that work there are super nice...but the customers. i think it was the heat today that got everyone so ancy. apparently it was 103 degrees today here in southern california and it was intense. its that dry heat thats not that bad- actually its really bad.
oh im such a broke ass right now. august wasnt a good month for me. i was late with my insurance payment and car payment and maybe even credit cards. yikees. my mind hasnt been in the right place for a month now ... i think its time to move on to something new. i know im getting a lot better but it gets really bad when i start listening to my music, everything and i mean every song reminds me of mike and it makes me sad to think that i won't ever hold him in my arms or kiss him the way i once did. i started listening to tegan and sara- they are awesome but i think i purchased the songs that would best describe my feelings at the most down times.
i have been spending a lot of time by myself... really its only because i have no one to hang out with and im done hanging out with old people. work is my only way out.
the song of the week (for me) might just be: nineteen by tegan and sara. yeah its pretty sad and depressing so my friend at work told me. sometimes i think we just need to feel. i dont mean it in a sad suicidal way but i would rather feel emotions than to not feel any at all.
today i had a conversation with this customer and when he was telling me how hot it is outside today he was complaning how people dont think about global warming.... well i agreed with him. i believe that human beings are responsible for the climate change, pollution, and many other things. well then i got super upset at him because there he was complaining about the weather and how people dont believe in global warming. well one thing is recognizing it and being complete selfish assholes and not do anything about it and another thing is recognizing it and trying to make a difference. there he was at the drive thru window wasting he gas, sitting inside his brand new lexus with the air conditioner full blast. pollution is a is a big key to global warming. why i mean were so obsessed with our lives today that helping out eachother seems to be a thing that people might be persecuted for. i know i'm taking this one thing really serious but i hate people that complain and come off to be complete hypocrites. i know i can make a difference. i just hope its not too late.